Have you ever thought there was something strange about celebrities? With their orange-hued skin, enormous chests/breasts, and myriad bizarre behaviour, they at times seem not quite human. Then what the heck are they? With the release of Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, the truth dawned on us. Hollywood celebrities are aliens. Capable of transforming into everyday objects as well as fantastical machines at will, some celebrity transformers aim to help the human race, while others seek its destruction. Who will win the battle between the Celebots and the Decelebricons?
BRANGELINA BATTLE PRAM
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| TNP ILLUSTRATION: FADZIL HAMZAH, CHNG CHOON HIONG, SIMON ANG |
In their everyday lives, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie appear to be just another celebrity couple, starring in movies, gracing the covers of magazines, adopting Third World babies, and saving the human race.
What you probably didn't know is that Brangelina are literally helping to save the human race!
When duty calls, Brangelina transforms into a massive pram, capable of transporting and protecting up to a thousand infants of many colours.
Able to withstand any attack ranging from a libelous tabloid story to an all-out nuclear strike, the Brangelina Battle Pram is one of the cornerstones of the Celebot defensive arsenal.
ERGONOMIC AMY
Over the past 10 years, Amy Adams has become one of Hollywood's finest comedic actress. Spreading her sweetness and light in movies ranging from Junebug to Night At The Museum 2, she puts a smile on the face of even the most cynical viewer.
Also, she's got a great caboose.
Wearing skin-tight, flesh-coloured jodhpurs in Night At The Museum 2, she proved that she has perhaps the most delightful derriere in the world. Fittingly, when trouble arises, the girl with the amazing seat transforms into an amazing seat!
Offering comfort and solace to a weary world, this is one Celebot who's got your back...with her back.
DURAWOOD BUNNY
For the past half century, one Hollywood celebrity has just kept going, and going, and going.
Of course we're talking about Clint Eastwood.
One of the most admired actors and respected directors of his generation, Eastwood is a legendary figure. He's known for his professionalism, integrity, and undying energy both in front of and behind the camera.
More than this, he's a space alien capable of transforming into a giant Durawood Bunny, whose never-say-day attitude makes him a formidable foe!
When those Decelebricon scumbags come sniffing around Tinseltown, the Durawood Bunny is there.
With his bright pink ears and fuzzy paws, he looks awfully cute saying 'Go ahead, make my day'.
You can't resist pinching his weathered cheek.
DOOMSDAY LINDSAY
Though as a child star Lindsay Lohan showed incredible promise, she has in recent years demonstrated a disturbing penchant for sabotaging herself and others.
Having come under fire from co-workers, family members, ex-lovers, fans and the press for her self-destructive behaviour, it will come as a surprise to no one that the formerly fabulous redhead is in fact capable of turning into a giant red self-destruct button.
At the least sign of trouble - a nagging phone call from her mum or a slight from a supposed boyfriend - she will immediately transform.
Our advice to anyone within a 10km radius? Duck and cover.
CAF-FEINATED BALE
Best known for his searing performances in films like The Machinist, The Prestige and The Dark Knight, Christian Bale is a method actor who takes his art to the extreme.
To lose weight for his role in The Machinist, he lived on coffee and apples.
While filming Terminator Salvation, he stayed in character while yelling at a cinematographer for more than 10 minutes, the audio recording of which has become an Internet sensation.
Able to transform into a top-of-the-line espresso machine, Christian is able to keep himself - and everyone else - on edge with super-high doses of crazy-making caffeine.
You and Christian? You're done professionally.
ROBOT HOTINSON
Best known for his fabulous hair and his ability to make young girls scream, Robert Pattinson is one of the hottest stars on the planet.
For those brave naysayers who think that he's coasting on his looks, that he can't act and that he's an over-hyped pretty boy, he has one answer.
Face melting.
Transforming into his personal favourite appliance, a hair dryer, Robot Hotinson - also known as the Hot Bot - turns himself on his enemies with devastating results.
If you can't stand the heat, get away from Robert Pattinson.
THE number of giant robots in Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen has tripled since the first movie.
Which pretty much means three times the confusion for non-fanboys.
To help the rest of us survive 21/2 hours worth of machineheds, JEANMARIE TAN offers an Optimus Primer on the new bots on the block
THE TWINS AND WHEELIE (AKA MEGAN FOX'S NEW PET)
The Twins are Skids (green) and Mudflap (red), two hyperactive Autobots who transform into Chevy Beat and Chevy Trax concept cars respectively. They sound like black gangstas - just imagine the Wayans brothers covered in car parts.
Also brought in for comic relief is a mouthy little Decepticon reconnaissance specialist disguised as a remote-control toy truck who changes sides when captured by Megan Fox. She ends up adopting him as her very own chihuahua. He ends up humping her leg.
Very classy, Michael Bay.
JETFIRE
Housed in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, this old-school Decepticon Seeker in the form of an SR-71 Blackbird jet who defected to the Autobots is reactivated by Ben Stiller and his monkey friend. Oops, wrong movie.
It's Sam Witwicky who crashes the place.
Even though Jetfire is now a rusting, grumpy geezer complete with walking stick, beard and British accent, he can teleport and combine parts with Optimus Prime.
THE FALLEN
Turns out Megatron is merely No 2 to The Fallen's Dr Evil in the Cybertron universe.
The Big Daddy of all Decepticons is an ancient baddie who looks like the spawn of the monster from Alien and is a Lucifer-like figure straight out of Milton's Paradise Lost.
A fallen angel, geddit?
He's a pretty lazy leader too - literally sitting around on his big robot butt while his minions do the dirty work before making his grand entrance.
DEVASTATOR
He's the giant among giants, but also the fugliest Transformer ever.
This Decepticon weapon of mass destruction modelled after a gorilla is formed by seven Constructicons merged together, and he has a turbine/vortex grinder that sucks up anything in his way.
But it seems the size of his body is inversely proportionate to the size of his brain. Although, my my, what big ball bearings he has!
All the better for Agent Simmons to take a dig at.
